Should've, would've, could've.

Almost a year ago, I had it so good, but didn't know it. At some point in there, I believed it was time to change my life. The first step was to rid myself of a career that I had at one time believed was the only job I'd ever loved.

That was my first mistake.

The second mistake was that I believed a childhood friend when he told me what I wanted to hear. Great job. Big money. Better benefits. More appreciation. Less stress.

The rush to make that mistake cost me more than I want to admit.

The childhood friend was an inept boss, and the job was not what was promised. Surprise, surprise.

Mistake number three: quitting the job before I had any other source of income lined up, and no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life at 41.

No thought to those around me and how my decisions were affecting them. No thought to the fact that I have maybe 25 years of my working life left. Career decisions should have been made long ago, right?

Quit the lie of a job, tried to go back to the place, people, and job I loved, only to be told. "we don't want you back." Try letting go of that one.

For three months, which is eternity to me, I tried to find "a job" doing anything where I might fit in and find happiness. I died a little more each day.

Somehow, I fell back into the first career field, just with a different agency. I grasped at it like a drowning man reaches for a life ring. They pulled me into their ship. Rescued.

One problem. Still having trouble letting go of the first job I should have never left. Hindshight is 20/20, and it hurts like hell. Moving forward is like stretching out burnt skin to get your mobility back.

Trying like hell to move on an think of only today. No future, no past. Just get through the day and try to live instead of merely surviving.

41 years old. Too late to try to find lost dreams? Too late to...do anything different? Too late to love again? Where is my heart that stayed on fire for so many of my younger years? Where is my determination to look at the long term, the big picture? Are you there?

I should have never quit. I should have not left the occupation that had been so good to me. The job that was so much more than a job. The friends that were brothers and sisters. The honor. The memories made and ones to be made. Too late now. Time to make new ones, I guess.