Embracing the destruction

What do you do when you love something that hurts you?

What happens when your calling in life is something that will inevitably drag you down?

I have made the mistake of leaving this calling on my life, and I have suffered the consequences. I have begged God to let me return to this call He has placed upon my life. He has.

I used to love this job. I looked forward to going to work every day. I never knew what might happen, or even if I would return home alive, but I loved it. The comaraderie, the challenge of dealing with total strangers and establishing yourself in their situation and hopefully solving the problem, whatever it may have been. The danger. Yes, even the danger. Adrenaline is a very powerful drug, and everyone takes it because we all have it.

Something happened, though. I can't explain it, quantify it, or understand it. Something happened before I turned my back on this calling. I can't put my finger on when, where, or why it happened, either.

Somehow, I lost my hope.

The calling became a boring job. Routine. Even though it really wasn't.

Now, I'm back, but in what feels like a diminished capacity. The place is less professional. The people are nice, but too laid back, laid back to the point it scares me. The prevailing attitude is that we're still in the 1880's, and this is Tombstone. Equipment I believe is necessary is nonexistent, or sub-standard, and nothing is provided by the agency. There is less stress, there, though, and that is the only up side to it.

It really doesn't matter though. Even if I was still at my old place, doing my old job, there is one certainty - this job will eventually destroy me.

For all it's positives, for all the good things mentioned above, the few bad things, the stresses, outweighs it all, and the panic and depression set in. The meds work, but long term, they are a temporary fix to a permanent problem, and knowing true full happiness seems so impossible.

What do you do when you see your own destruction coming and you can't get out of the way?

Wasting time

It has been some time since my last post. Not that it matters, no one reads them anyway unless I e-mail it to them.

I'm starting to wonder if the things we do online are just a waste of precious time. We're only given so much time in our lives anyway, so how does "leaving" your mark on the internet fit into that? Most of us aren't making any money, and we're certainly not famous outside our little circles of "friends" so why bother?

Maybe that's why there has been an explosion of crackers and hackers stealing and writing malicious code. At least they leave an impression on more than a few people in cyberspace. Sad to think that one must hurt someone else or destroy someones creation to gain notoriety now.

It has taken me four minutes according to the clock to write all this thus far. What could I have been doing during that time?

Love, forgotten.

I have hurt someone I love. I didn't mean to do it, but I did.

It seems I don't know how to love, to truly love, to accept another's little traits and habits that bother me. To just accept the one I love entirely for who they are.

I thought I knew everything of love. I thought I could accept, forgive, even ignore differences between us, between who we are fundamentally as individuals, and let love override all of that and let love be all it is supposed to be.

But, apparently, I can't do it. Or at least do it correctly. I am flawed. My heart is broken in more than one way, and it was I who broke it.

The only conclusion I can come to is this: I don't know how to love anymore. I am damaged goods. I am an incomplete soul. Somewhere, somehow, sometime in my life, the capacity to truly love someone I once had - that limitless reservoir of surrender, forgiveness, acceptance, and undying admiration - has diminished. The reservoir is now but a muddy pond devoid of beauty.

Perhaps this is my just desserts. Perhaps God is teaching me that I have become someone He didn't design me to be. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. I do not know.

I dreamed of holding the treasure of love, and sharing it with someone with joy. But it seems I hold no treasure, only the empty chest it once occupied.

I once loved. This I know in my heart of hearts. I once loved. I once held that treasure and shared it zealously, maybe overzealously. Maybe I gave my part of the treasure away completely. I don't know what has become of me.

It seems I have forgotten how to love. What good is life now?

You will never know how I feel, unless...

Unless you have been so desperate for love, that you would give up your dreams, your hopes, and much of yourself to get it, you will never know how I feel.

Unless you have sacrificed an education, adventure, a career (or two) and hope, you will never know how I feel.

Unless you have spent the better part of your adult life living for everyone else but yourself, you will never know how I feel.

Unless you have had your heart ripped out and stomped on, and then handed back to you by those you love the most, you will never know how I feel.

Unless you have been hurt in your deepest soul, and forced a smile, you will never know how I feel.

Unless it's been so long since you've lived for yourself you've forgotten what you like, how to have fun, what sincere laughter is, what joy feels like, you will never know how I feel.

Unless you have been depressed, suicidal, so anxious you felt like you'd explode, and on so much medication to remedy these things that you wonder if you even have real feelings anymore, you will never know how I feel.

Unless you have overcome the odds to become a part of a profession of honor, and done everything it takes to perform that profession with honor, you will never know how I feel.

Unless you have been hated because of what you represent, spit on, beaten, kicked, cursed, covered in every imaginable disgusting substance, seen, smelled, touched, and dealt with things no human should have to, you will never know how I feel.

Unless you have seen death, smelled death, and caused death, you will never know how I feel.

Unless you realize that everyone can be hurt by words as well as deeds, no matter how tough they seem, you will never know how I feel.

Unless you have learned that the problems in everyone's life are relative in size to that individual, you will never know how I feel.

Unless you have the stones to put something like this out there for the whole world to see, and to form their own opinions of you and what you think, you will never know how I feel.

Then again, how I feel may not be any of your business.

Should've, would've, could've.

Almost a year ago, I had it so good, but didn't know it. At some point in there, I believed it was time to change my life. The first step was to rid myself of a career that I had at one time believed was the only job I'd ever loved.

That was my first mistake.

The second mistake was that I believed a childhood friend when he told me what I wanted to hear. Great job. Big money. Better benefits. More appreciation. Less stress.

The rush to make that mistake cost me more than I want to admit.

The childhood friend was an inept boss, and the job was not what was promised. Surprise, surprise.

Mistake number three: quitting the job before I had any other source of income lined up, and no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life at 41.

No thought to those around me and how my decisions were affecting them. No thought to the fact that I have maybe 25 years of my working life left. Career decisions should have been made long ago, right?

Quit the lie of a job, tried to go back to the place, people, and job I loved, only to be told. "we don't want you back." Try letting go of that one.

For three months, which is eternity to me, I tried to find "a job" doing anything where I might fit in and find happiness. I died a little more each day.

Somehow, I fell back into the first career field, just with a different agency. I grasped at it like a drowning man reaches for a life ring. They pulled me into their ship. Rescued.

One problem. Still having trouble letting go of the first job I should have never left. Hindshight is 20/20, and it hurts like hell. Moving forward is like stretching out burnt skin to get your mobility back.

Trying like hell to move on an think of only today. No future, no past. Just get through the day and try to live instead of merely surviving.

41 years old. Too late to try to find lost dreams? Too late to...do anything different? Too late to love again? Where is my heart that stayed on fire for so many of my younger years? Where is my determination to look at the long term, the big picture? Are you there?

I should have never quit. I should have not left the occupation that had been so good to me. The job that was so much more than a job. The friends that were brothers and sisters. The honor. The memories made and ones to be made. Too late now. Time to make new ones, I guess.

Yeah, God. I'm mad at you.

How could you?

You knew your child needed you. You knew the depth of her need. You knew how bad she was hurting.

And what did you do about it? Nothing. You continue to let her hurt.

Your love is supposed to be perfect? You know all our needs and will meet them? That's what your word says. Well?

I'm mad at you. I don't care what anyone thinks. If this is a relationship, then eventually someone gets mad at someone else in the relationship. So, I'm pissed at you.

What does she do now? What becomes of her hope in you?

I won't ask you to meet our needs. You won't do it anyway. You just proved it.

We'll survive. Maybe I'll forgive you. Don't know when, though.

How could you do this, God?

The Random Rant

English should be made the official language of the United States. If you come here and are arrogant enough to refuse to learn it, you should leave immediately. I'm sick of seeing labels on products in the grocery store split in half - one half in English, the other in Spanish. Both halfs are the same size. I don't care if there is a Latino population explosion. Teach your kids to speak English and it wouldn't matter what ethnicity you are.

The stupid politicians and even stupider media pundits need to stop pointing fingers at others for our current economic crisis and DO SOMETHING. The mother of four who's out of work and a whisker from being put on the streets doesn't care who's at fault for her situation. She wants to know who's going to help her NOW. Actually, we should all be helping each other as much as possible. The government isn't going to help us, and big industry damn sure isn't.

Healthcare without so-called "insurance" is too expensive. How can thirty little pills cost several hundred dollars? Maybe if the pharmaceutical companies would stop advertising so much on T.V. their drugs would cost less. Then again, that may be naiive.

Your worth is not determined by your college degree. It's just an overpriced piece of paper when you get right down to it. If you have a college education but can't make change, what good are you? Bachelor's degree (or master's or doctorate) DOES NOT EQUAL COMMON SENSE. I wish employers would get that clue.

Is it just me, or does Obama talk alot and not really say anything of substance?

America is dumb. Don't believe me? Ask someone you know who the first President of the United States was. You'll probably get 4 out of 5 wrong answers.

The nightly news sickens me. On a "good" day.

It's time to bring the troops home. If the towel heads get out of line again, we could lob a couple of nukes over there and straighten them out. It's cheaper and costs alot less American lives. I really don't care about collateral damage, so don't start. The towel head terrorists don't care about collateral damage.

Exactly who is the "Stimulus Package" stimulating? I don't feel a thing yet. Do you?

We the people have given to much power to the government. They should fear us, not the other way around.

One dog in a house is nice. Two is enough. Four is WAY too many. Trust me on this.

If you've just read this blog. Congratulations. You're probably the only one.

Filling In The Space

Where to begin?

I'm not much for just blogging about my daily life, but there's been alot of noteworthy stuff going on, so here we go.

Like many in this crappy economy, I've been forced to make a difficult career choice just to pay the bills. I've returned to law enforcement, making less money than I have in 6 years. It's a good agency though, and more like a big family. It's very different from my previous experiences, but in some ways the same. There are still the same kinds of people to deal with, who want you to solve the same kinds of problems for them. It's just a smaller area and fewer of these things to do.

My daughter, who's boyfriend left her just after they moved far away to a big city, is trying to work full time and finish her degree full time. Meanwhile, the boyfriend's mom, who my daughter has been living with, has decided that my daughters two boxer dogs can no longer live there. So, guess who's the only person my kid knows that has a yard. I've inherited two large dogs to compliment the two dogs and one cat I've already got. Did I mention that I work rotating 12 hour shifts in my new job? Makes it a little difficult to take care of anything at home, much less dogs that have a penchant for destruction when they're bored. So, I have grandogs for two months. That's how long my daughter has to find a place to live and come get her "children" and take them home. I blame the boyfriend.

Daughter number two is going to a vocational school that is charging her way too much money to get a diploma that might get her a job making $9 an hour to start. She lives on the internet when she's not in school or doing homework. Good thing, too, because she shows no inclination to get a part time job to support a social life. Something's going to have to give, because gasoline doesn't just materialize in your tank. I give it six months of working a J.O.B. in the real world before going back to college looks VERY attractive.

I've gone through my life savings just paying the bills until my most recent job came through. At least the money was there when I needed it. So much for retirement.

I pray ALOT.

Well, that's my rant. Hopefully, I'll get motivated to write something more substantive next time. Don't know when that will be. Probably when I decide to start working out again.

Our Chance To Come Together, Again.

When my grandparents were young, they were poor. Truth be told, most people in my generation had poor grandparents. My grandparents were born in the teens of the 20th century, and they weathered much adversity in their young lives.

First, they were born at the end of the First World War, which had exacted a terrible and heavy price on every country and every person involved. Then, along came the stock market crash of 1929, which kicked off the Great Depression. People went from wealthy to destitute in one day. We've all seen the film footage and read the history books. Men went wherever they could find work, if they could find it, and existence for most families was hand to mouth. It was at this time, I believe, that the moral fiber, courage, and character of that generation was formed.

For many, simply having a roof over their heads was miraculous. Being able to feed their families a good meal once or twice a day was an additional blessing. They didn't sit around and bitch and moan about not having the newest gadgets, or new furniture, or new cars. They didn't cry on each other's shoulders about their stock portfolios being practically worthless. They didn't wave their hands and run around in circles, like the modern day media, and cry "the sky is falling, the sky is falling!" No, they took life one day at a time, and treated each day, and each other, as a gift. They didn't expect a government "bailout" either. If they lost their homes, they lost them, and it was time to move on and try to find a better life.

Those that had, even a little, would share unflinchingly with those who didn't. That value must have stuck in my grandma, because I can remember as a kid, homeless men and hoboes coming to her kitchen door and asking for something to eat. My grandma didn't even flinch. She told these folks to have a seat on the porch and she made them a meal. She asked for nothing in return and never treated it like an inconvenience. Nowadays, we won't even look a homeless beggar in the eye, much less give them something to eat. (I personally don't give beggars money, because I know from experience many of them will just run to the closest drug dealer or liquor store with it.)

I guess my point is: what's happened to us, America? We are facing very tough economic times. Some say we're looking at a second Great Depression in the face. And what are we doing about it? Begging the federal government to save our possession driven lifestyles. Why should they? What's wrong with having a little less, and being more thankful for what you have that matters (like a full stomach, a roof over your head, your family and friends?) Why are these things not enough?

It is time we concerned ourselves with the simple, good things in life. It is time once again to take each day we're given as a gift, and be thankful. It is time for us to regain our charitable attitude toward our fellow man. If we don't come together once again as "One Nation Under God," we are very likely to become a house divided that crumbles under the smallest adversity.

My Goofy Wisdom

Wisdom I have gained - the hard way.

1. Women really DO fart. And their farts stink, just like a man's. Really.

2. No matter how well you treated it as a youngster and young adult, your body WILL launch a rebellion against you at age 35 or 40.

3. Dogs rule. Cats...not so much. But I guess they're o.k. as long as they aren't the fluffy, mashed-in face kind...

4. You know the calorie counters on exercise machines that show you how many calories you've supposedly burned? THEY LIE.

5. I DID NOT know everything at 21.

6. God's love is the ONLY thing that lasts forever.

7. "Insanity" and "Marriage" are legal terms. Insanity is not a name for mental illness, and marriage is not a name for love.

8. I've heard that debt is the second most marketed product in America. I believe that. Vanity is the first. If you don't believe me, watch an evening's worth of commercials.

9. Why do they show commercials for restaurants we don't have in our city? You'd think they would be able to weed those out.

10. Americans love to brag about democracy. They just don't like to participate in it. In the last election, only 30% of eligible voters actually voted - AND THAT WAS A RECORD TURN OUT!

11. It's easier to remember people's names when you associate their faces to animals. For example, Jay Leno reminds me of a skunk. No offense, Jay.

12. America really, really, needs to declare ENGLISH as the official national language. Before we're all forced to speak Spanish just to communicate.

13. Kids are the most fun to be around before they reach junior high. After that, you become the "anti-parent."

14. Why did they invent pills to make a man's penis larger, but no one's invented a pill to make a woman's vagina smaller?

15. My kids have nicer cell phones than I do. And I don't care. I just wish they'd call more often.

More later...

No Disappointment, Child

Probably everyone you ask will tell you about their life's disappointments - whethere they be big or small. No life is without a letdown or two (or more), so everyone has something to say on this subject.

Many of us are parents. The single greatest joy, and the single greatest gift in many of our lives are our children. Whether you have one or fifteen, each of your children is a unique and irreplaceable treasure. We sacrifice many things for them, including no small amount of sleep, and do so without complaint. And, if you think about it, we shouldn't complain, because someone did the same for us during the early years of our lives. Parents don't count the sleepless nights, the doctor and emergency room visits, the mistakes our children make at home and school as disappointments. No, they simply come with the territory of rearing a child.

I gave up many years ago expecting perfection from my children. After all, they are just as human as I am, and I make (and have made) plenty of mistakes. The hardest part of parenting, in my opinion, is letting your kid make these mistakes and learn from them - without interference from you. It's hard to watch someone you love more than yourself do something you know from experience is wrong or harmful to them. It's difficult beyond words afterwards to wait and see if they learn the lesson. They are individuals, after all. And to stifle their individuality and try to create them in your image is comparable to robbery. But we still have our little plans for their lives.

Current society tells us that our children should do well in grade school and move on to a post-secondary education, get their degree, find a career, marry (hopefully), and have a family. That's the prevailing expectation of a child from "the majority." These are what I call the great number of people who subscribe to the same worn out ideal of what leading a "good life" is.

What happens, though, when your child doesn't follow the majority plan? Do you love them any less for skipping college and getting a job? Are they a less valuable human being if they marry right out of high school and have children shortly thereafter? What of the ones who drop out of school, discover drugs and alcohol, and the growing population of young people who have done the same? Do we give up on them? Do we refuse to love them? Sadly, many parents, and people, do write these kids off. Why? Because they are "disappointments?"

A human being is not an expense on a ledger book. A person's worth is not determined by what piece of paper they hold from an accredited college or trade school. There is no line above which are the winners and below which are the losers. Every human being, every child, has worth. It is our job as parents to cultivate that worth while we have them with us. It is up to them to hold onto that worth and shape their lives as they see fit.

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Anger and Frustration

I am frustrated and angry today, so here are some random thoughts relating to my state of mind.

Children: The moment they are born are the most joyous of a "good" parents life. Raising them is challenging, but rewarding just the same. And once they grow up and leave home, at some point, they find a way to make you feel like the biggest failure as a parent in the history of the world.

Occupations: Why do we associate "who" we are with "what" we do for a living? But we do. So, against all odds, I AM A COP. But in the end, it's just a paycheck. A means to an end. Yet we place WAY too much emphasis on our occupations and so do our bosses. Screw 'em all.

Significant Others/Spouses: Marriage is actually only a legal term, just like insanity is just a legal term, and nothing more. "Matrimony," "Sacred Union," and like terms mean more to me, and demonstrate our love for one another much better than "Marriage." "Marriage" just means you divide the stuff down the middle. Believe it or not, I think God would agree with me. Look at the Bible. It says in every case "he TOOK a wife." It doesn't describe a ceremony, or legal contract, etc.

Technology: Growing up, I had no cell phone, no computer, no iPod, and only a black and white TV with rabbit ear antennas in my room. This did not bother me. I had a BICYCLE, and it took me to my friends with a little physical effort. You kids 18-25 years old, that whine about not having what you need in this world, here's what I say to you: GET OVER IT. All you REALLY need is the will to WORK, and you will have everything you need, and most everything you want. Get a job and stop bitching so much. Preferably a job that involves physical labor so you can get your flabby cookie dough ass into shape for once. I hear the military is hiring.

And last but not least, the election of Barack Obama: America, are you really that stupid? This man did nothing but tell you what you want to hear, without giving ANY concrete plans for his ideas, for over a year, AND YOU WERE SUCKERED INTO BELIEVING HIM. He flat out told a hard working plumber that said hard working plumber should "share the wealth" with his fellow, non-hardworking Americans. That's called SOCIALISM. It failed in Russia. It failed in East Germany, and it will fail here, but only after this monkey faced idiot guts our capitalistic heritage to the point where we are ALL poor and on the government dole. Wake up, sheep.

One more thing: This country was founded on a violent revolution. If you don't believe me, look in the history books. Our constitution TELLS us to throw off oppressive government, and yet we sit idly by and let the federal government bend us over and violate us repeatedly. Can you say "IRS?" America, if you are like me, and you hate what this country has become because of the apathy of it's citizens, buy guns. Buy ammo. By just owning these things with a will to use them agains oppressive forces, we can at least give the government bully pause before he attempts to beat us to a pulp.

Here endeth the lesson.

Afterlife

What happened could not be helped.

You wasn't the cause of the problem, but unfortunately You were part of the solution. You killed a man in the name of the law. Not alone. You had help. But bullets from your weapon killed that man. A man you never knew.

Just part of the job, or so you thought.

Sometimes, it takes awhile for your emotions to derail rational thought. You can tell yourself over and over that what you did was the right thing, the thing you were trained to do. It was all o.k. because you wore the badge, and the bastard was trying to kill you, among other people, that day. But you and your brothers in blue stopped him. You stopped him from killing his pregnant girlfriend, from taking hostages inside that antique store, and from sticking that big butcher knife into you or your partner that day. Some called you a hero. Some called you evil. Neither title fits.

Two years and a few months. That's how long it took. That's the anniversary of the merging of your emotions and rationalizations. Not really a merge, more of a collision. The others in blue don't understand. If they do, they pretend nothing like this has ever happened to a cop before, it won't happen to them, and you must be imagining it. Doesn't matter, really. Just one more day, and you would have snapped.

So what did you do? You quit. Resigned. Without notice and with a flimsy excuse of a better job. All so they didn't see you come to the end of the rope. You turned your back on your calling, God's job for you, so THEY didn't see your weakness. Weakness isn't tolerated in the thin, blue line.

Now, months later, the so-called better job is history. You've been "treated" for what they call PTSD - "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." It's something you've heard of, but never really expected to experience. Too bad. And, the thin, blue line has become a thick, black wall. They don't want you back. At least, their LEADERS don't want you back. They need cops, you were a damn good cop, and they STILL don't want you.

You hate cop shows on T.V. They're so, well, "pat." Everything is neatly settled inside a half hour or hour long episode. What a bunch of crap. You hear the sirens and wonder where they're going, what they're doing - your friends. They're still your friends, you hope.

But life is different now. Another department is politely interested, but they're dragging their feet hiring you. No excuse, they're just going really slow. No proof, but you can guess why. Should you even try to go back? Can you handle it anymore? Is it still God's call on your life? Or has God changed his mind?

There is no answer. God's not talking.

Random Thoughts

This is what's running through my brain today:

What does it say about our new president when he has to take the oath of office TWICE because he screwed it up the first time? Not to mention, why can't the CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES not read the oath correctly off of a sheet of paper right in front of his face? He must have went to the same law school as the new president...

Do we REALLY care about NATURAL MALE ENHANCEMENT? The commercials are really starting to piss me off, not to mention my dogs. They howl at Smilin' Bob when the whistling starts.

Do you think us men are prematurely aging because the commercials for Viagra, Just For Men Hair Coloring, Extenze, etc., are showing younger and younger men as their users? Talk about the power of suggestion. Suckers.

If the "Digital Deadline" came and we lost ALL television, there would be chaos in the streets, I guarantee it. Unfortunately, the people that will lose their T.V. signal are the ones that don't really care about T.V. in the first place. Too bad it's not the other way around. I'd buy tickets to watch the anarchy.

You, me, and everyone else on this planet, ARE GOING TO DIE. We just don't know when or how. Get over it.

Hug your kids while you can. There will come a time when they could care less about hugging you.

You know you're a middle aged man when dietary fiber becomes VERY IMPORTANT.

I don't want an MP3 player that holds 15,000 songs. I don't know 15,000 songs. Do you?

It takes practcally no brains to write a screenplay full of violence. It takes brilliance to write a good comedy, though.

We lost the "War On Drugs". When are we going to get the message?

4,870 Americans have died in the War in the Middle East. Oh, did you forget we're a nation at war?

All the National News Anchors make me want to puke. You too, Oprah.

Boys wear their pants with their underwear showing. Men pull up their pants, put on a belt, and act like men.

Midland, Texas is not the ugliest place in the world. But it's close.

In Between Opportunities

It's been a month now. One month ago, I walked into my boss's office and gave him my two weeks notice. I wanted to return to law enforcement, I said. The oilfield wasn't for me, I explained. He seemed very understanding. We set my last day to work at December 19th.

And so it was. December 19th, six days before Christmas, I left my steady paycheck behind. I can just imagine what you're thinking.

The amount of knowledge I've gained about cable TV in the last month staggers the imagination. For instance, they repeat the same commercial an average of four times per hour. The same, exact commercial. Some hours, it's the same four or five commercials at every break, with just the order they run in rearranged. Yep. I'm paying attention. And watching waaaaayyy tooooo muuuchh Television. I've read a few books, but if you know me, you know that reading a book takes a day, maybe two for me. So books don't fill the idle time as effectively as TV. My English teachers are rolling in their graves.

The anticipation of being welcomed back into my old police job with open arms was foiled by a Chief of Police who, frankly, is so tight-assed, you can see it on his face. Literally, the man looks like he's got a really itchy hemmorhoid or something. And that's when he's happy. Anyway, it's a Department policy that if an officer resigns, he or she must give 30 days notice to be re-hirable (is that even a word?) Needless to say, the new Chief is "by the book, no exceptions."

So, I didn't get "re-hired." I didn't give the required notice, because I was in the throes of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I had to get away from there right-this-minute-before-I-exploded. Seriously, if you've never had PTSD or been very close to someone with PTSD, you won't understand, so you can stop reading now.

Being the CYA type of person that I am, I had applied at a neighboring Police Department. I am "in the process" of being hired now, contingent upon the usual battery of a background check, lie detector, physical, psychological exam (that'll be fun...) and of course, the interview board. Being "in the process" takes alot longer than I thought it would. It takes at least a month, apparently. And this particular Department needs officers, as they are short handed. But that doesn't speed up "the process."

Ergo, lots of time in front of the T.V. and wondering where the money for next month's bills will come from.

Monster.com and Hotjobs have become my online friends. I am a member of an internet executive search (aim high, I always say). I have faxed, emailed, mailed, and taken resume' after resume' to just about every job posting that sounds remotely interesting. Always, always, always have a Plan B. Even if you hope it never happens. I've even given thought to "GASP" - returning to college and finishing the Bachelor's. Funny what too much time to think will do to your mind...

I didn't realize until just now that writing about it helps decrease the stress. Hmmmm.

Well, at least I'll have something to fill the time.

Mind Yourself, Now

It's all in the mind.

The recipe for chocolate chip cookies, how to walk, talk, and drive a car. Secrets kept since childhood and the secret of the atomic bomb.

All of it. Everything you were, are, and are to be is tucked neatly away in an organ that weighs about 8 pounds and looks like a wrinkled football. The mind fits inside that brain neatly and perfectly. It is neither completely neglected nor fully used at any one time.

If the mind is never fully used, even in the most brilliant people, imagine the power contained within its potential. Imagine if one could bring their full mental powers - conscious and unconcious - to bear on a given problem. Imagine that happening once, and then multiply it by 6 billion people.

Our brains (in which the mind dwells) are so complex, their method of function is still not fully understood by mankind. And if how the mind works is not fully understood, neither is the mind's power.

What if we could tap into previously unused and unseen parts of our own minds, and use these parts? What if we could heal ourselves of every type of disease and malady by sheer focus of our own will to do so? Do you believe it's possible? I do.

I know, this all sounds a bit like The Matrix, but it's not a movie. The potential of the human mind has evidenced itself throughout history in people like Leonardo DiVinci, who could paint "The Last Supper" and using the same imagination, engineer war machines. Think of the Wright Brothers. They were bicycle shop owners. They'd never even worked on a newfangled automobile at the time they built and flew their airplane. There are a million more examples. But, there should be BILLIONS more examples.

We harness the human mind with everything from the laws of physics to the law of the land. We control ourselves by believing the majority of our fellow humans are right on any given matter. A great many believed the sound barrier could not be broken, until it was. Thank God that Chuck Yeager didn't believe what the majority thought. We should all examine our own minds, find and eliminate doubt, fear, and negative thought, and in doing so, throw off the harnesses that have schackled us for as long as we have lived.

Who says you cannot do something great, something you have always dreamed of doing? In the end, it's not your fellow man that squelches your potential. It is you.